Tara's story: Finding strength after losing Mum

Tara grew up in Tunbridge Wells and enjoys various creative pursuits, including musical theatre. She also has a love for majorettes, which she was introduced to by her mum, Julie, who spent her last days in our Pembury ward. Here, 36-year-old Tara shares her story, explaining the value of the Hospice’s support for the family, how they were able to make memories until the end, and the profound effect counselling has had on dealing with grief and loss.

“My mum always used to say, ‘I love you, my little mate,’ and that felt so special to me; I have a voice recording of it that I made at Build-A-Bear. She was so kind, caring and thoughtful. Always very fierce about me and my sister, we were her girls and if anyone upset us, she would not be very happy at all. She was the most generous person ever and family was the most important thing to her.

“We didn’t have a lot when we were growing up, but what we had was each other and that was more important to us.”

Care and support

“Three months prior to coming to the Hospice, we cared for my mum at home, and I took it in turns with my sister to look after her. She had a stage 4 brain tumour, which was not curable. It got to a point where she was hallucinating, and the hallucinations were getting quite scary. We had the Hospice Outreach team coming in and out to check on her at home and see if she needed anything, if any medications needed higher dosages or if they could give her any equipment to help her. Eventually, we had to make a decision about her being cared for on the in-patient ward, and after three months of being at home, she came to the Hospice and received the most amazing care in her last weeks.

“My mum was so positive throughout the whole illness, and I think Hospice in the Weald helped her feel that way. It wasn’t all doom and gloom, she got to do things she wanted to do.”

“I stayed here the whole time, and it was sort of my little bed in the end. We’d stay up and watch TV at night. There are people who sing at the Hospice, and they come to the ward on a certain day to do requests so it can be heard throughout the whole ward. I asked them to play ‘Dancing in the Moonlight’ which is my mum’s favourite song. She could hear it from her bed, and it was just so special. We never felt like a burden, nothing was ever too much. They did so much for my mum and it was such a dignified death. We held my mum’s hand and told her we love her until her last breath and got to stay with her as long as we wanted when she died. We will always do charity work for Hospice in the Weald.

The value of counselling

“I felt like I wanted to be strong for my sister and dad as they were very sad about what was happening, and my mum felt like she could be honest with me and we’d have a laugh about death. Now having that stress taken off me, I have that time to feel vulnerable and cry if I want to cry without having to be strong for someone else. Counselling gives you the time and space to be upset.

“My mum is never going to come back and that’s very distressing but being able to talk, even about silly things she used to do is so helpful. It can be heavy dealing with grief and talking about death, especially if an anniversary or a birthday is coming up. There are also times where you don’t want to talk about that person and that’s completely fine. You have the freedom to talk about anything you want in counselling or even just sit there in silence and cry if you need to. It’s also not just about my mum, it’s about how I feel. So, if that week you don’t want to talk about grief, you don’t have to.

“It allows you to be yourself. It’s an hour to not be a mum, a daughter or a sister. I can literally just be me and tell the counsellor how I feel. I feel safe there.”

“Give counselling a go if you need it. I didn’t think I’d be alright with it, but it has helped me massively. I still get upset, I still cry, but it gives me an outlet. See if you like it, see if you get on, you can open up to that person. I think people would be quite surprised by how much comfort it brings.

“The creative activities that take place at Living Well are therapeutic in a way as well, taking your mind away from grief and instead of speaking, you’re doing things to help you mentally, so it works well alongside counselling. You’re using your hands, thinking about your loved one, but not being too upset by it. I don’t feel lucky my mum died but I feel lucky that we had time to do things with the support of the Hospice.”